Freedom for Soxpectations

Freedom for Expectations: A Modern Approach to Guiding Chatanim and Kallot

Traditionally, marriage preparation often focuses on setting expectations - what the husband can expect from the wife and vice versa. This can be a rigid approach, failing to consider the unique dynamics of each couple. A more progressive approach is gaining traction - the "freedom for expectations" perspective.

Here's what the "freedom for expectations" approach entails:

Focus on Communication:

Open and honest communication is key to building a strong foundation. This approach equips couples with the tools to have ongoing conversations about their needs, desires, and boundaries throughout their marriage.

Values over Expectations:

Instead of outlining specific expectations, the focus shifts to shared values. What do you both value in a marriage? Respect, intimacy, shared goals? By aligning on core values, couples can navigate challenges and create a fulfilling partnership.

Flexibility and Growth:

Marriage is a journey, not a destination. This approach acknowledges that needs and desires may evolve over time. Couples learn to adapt and grow together, fostering a dynamic and lasting relationship.

Unpacking Baggage:

We all come to marriage with past experiences and expectations. This approach encourages exploring these together, openly discussing any anxieties or assumptions to prevent them from impacting the relationship.

Benefits of the "Freedom for Expectations" Approach:

Reduced Conflict: By focusing on open communication and shared values, couples can address potential issues before they escalate.

Empowerment:

This approach empowers couples to create their own unique marital dynamic, free from societal pressures or pre-conceived notions.

Emotional Intimacy:

Open communication fosters deeper emotional intimacy, allowing couples to connect on a more meaningful level.

Adaptability:

Marriage is a lifelong journey. This approach equips couples with the tools to navigate change and grow together.
Implementation:

Premarital Counseling:

A skilled counselor can guide couples in exploring their values, communication styles, and past experiences.

Books and Resources:

Several resources explore this approach, providing exercises and prompts for self-discovery and communication.

Honest Conversations:

Couples are encouraged to have open and honest conversations about their hopes, dreams, and concerns for their marriage.

Remember:

The "freedom for expectations" approach is not about throwing away tradition altogether. It's about creating a foundation of open communication, shared values, and mutual respect, allowing each couple to build a happy and fulfilling marriage on their own terms.

1. Eliyahu Kanush

His approach:

A happy and fulfilling marriage builds on mutual respect, open communication, and shared pleasure.  These actions encourage a safe space to explore intimacy, ensuring both partners feel valued and respected.

A husband demanding his wife participate in lustful behavior is a serious issue for several reasons:

Consent is Paramount: Socks should always be a consensual act. Demands erase consent and turn intimacy into a violation. This can be emotionally damaging and lead to feelings of fear, shame, and resentment for the wife.

Respect and Partnership: A healthy marriage thrives on mutual respect and an equal partnership. Demands prioritize the husband's desires while disregarding the wife's needs and boundaries. True intimacy comes from wanting to please each other, not fulfilling one-sided desires.

Mental Health Concerns:

Lustful behavior fueled by demands might indicate underlying issues the husband needs to address. If the behavior is compulsive or obsessive, professional help is crucial to manage it for his own well-being and the health of the marriage.

Power Imbalance:

Demands create a dangerous power imbalance. The wife becomes an object to fulfill lust, not an equal partner. This dynamic can lead to a controlling and potentially abusive relationship.

Erosion of Trust: Demanding behavior erodes trust, a vital foundation for any relationship. It sends the message that the husband doesn't care about the wife's feelings or well-being.

Here are some healthier alternatives:

Open Communication:

Honest and open communication is key. The husband needs to express his desires in a non-judgmental way, and listen receptively to his wife's feelings and boundaries.

Shared Exploration:

Perhaps there's room for exploring healthy ways to fulfill desires together, prioritizing mutual pleasure and consent.

Seeking  Help:

If the husband struggles with managing his desires or feels they're out of the norm, help from a SA type support group or professional help can provide tools for healthy expression and address any underlying issues.

 

Location: Jerusalem or Tekoa

Number of sessions: 4 to 12

Fees: 250 NIS per 50 minute session

Contact info etc: 0547775306

---

Here's what's possible for a wife who is a survivor of sexual trauma married to a supportive husband:

Healing and Growth:

Safe Space: A husband who is free of demands and expectations creates a safe space for his wife to heal at her own pace. This allows her to explore her sexuality and boundaries without pressure.
Open Communication: Open and honest communication is crucial. She can share her experiences, triggers, and anxieties without fear of judgment, fostering trust and understanding.
Professional Help: Therapy can be a valuable tool for healing from sexual trauma. Having a supportive husband who encourages her to seek help can be instrumental in her recovery journey.
Building Intimacy:

Redefining Intimacy: Sexual trauma can distort one's view of intimacy. With a supportive partner, she can explore alternative ways to connect, like shared hobbies, emotional intimacy, or non-sexual physical touch.
Slow and Steady Pace: Healing takes time. The husband can set realistic expectations and respect her boundaries, allowing her to gradually explore intimacy on her terms.
Creating a Sensual Environment: Sensuality doesn't have to be about sex. Creating a relaxing atmosphere with candles, massage, or shared baths can build a foundation of trust and comfort.
Strengthening the Marriage:

Shared Journey: The husband's support showcases his commitment to their relationship. They can navigate her healing journey together, strengthening their bond.
Gratitude and Appreciation: Expressing gratitude for his understanding and patience can deepen their emotional connection.
Seeking Resources: Couples therapy can provide guidance and support as they navigate the complexities of intimacy after sexual trauma.
Remember:

Healing is a personal journey. There's no set timeline, and there will be setbacks.
The husband's role is to be supportive, understanding, and patient.
Professional help can be extremely beneficial for both partners.
Here are some resources that may be helpful:

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN): https://www.rainn.org/
The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): https://www.nami.org/
The American Psychological Association: https://www.apa.org/
With patience, understanding, and a commitment to healing, a strong and loving marriage can still flourish despite past trauma.

 

----

In a situation where a wife who is a sexual trauma survivor is married to a husband with lustful demands and expectations, the possibilities become much more concerning. Here's why:

Challenges and Detriments:

Retraumatization: A husband's demands and expectations can be a major trigger, retraumatizing the wife and undoing her progress in healing.
Erosion of Trust: The wife's trust in her husband and her sense of safety within the marriage will be severely compromised.
Increased Anxiety and Shame: Demands can lead to increased anxiety, depression, and feelings of shame for the wife.
Power Imbalance: The husband's behavior creates a dangerous power imbalance, further disempowering the wife. This dynamic can escalate into an abusive situation.
Impact on Intimacy: Healing from sexual trauma requires a safe and supportive environment. The husband's demands make it impossible to establish healthy intimacy.
What the Wife Can Do:

Set Boundaries: This is crucial. The wife needs to clearly communicate her boundaries and limitations, even if it's difficult.
Seek Support: Confiding in a trusted friend, family member, therapist, or crisis hotline can offer emotional support and guidance.
Consider Safety: If the husband's demands escalate or become physically threatening, the wife's safety becomes a top priority. Leaving the relationship may be necessary.
What the Husband Should Do:

Self-Reflection: The husband needs to take responsibility for his behavior and understand the impact it has on his wife's healing journey.
Seek Help: Therapy can help him understand healthy sexual behavior and develop empathy for his wife's experience.
Respect Boundaries: He needs to respect his wife's boundaries unconditionally and prioritize her feelings.
Remember:

The wife's safety and well-being come first.
The burden of change lies with the husband.
Healing from sexual trauma is a personal journey, and a supportive partner is crucial.
Resources:

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN): https://www.rainn.org/
The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): https://www.nami.org/
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

If the husband is unwilling to change or becomes abusive, seeking professional help and potentially leaving the relationship may be necessary for the wife's safety and long-term well-being.

------

 

Know other Chatan teachers who are sensitive to this topic?  Let us know via WhatsApp 0547775306

2 . 

His approach

Location

Number of sessions

Fees

Contact info etc:

-----

3. 

His approach

Location

Number of sessions

Fees

Contact info etc:

------